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  1. Today
  2. I follow the path of the Buddha and have been interested in the shamanic journey for some time. I am schizophrenic as well and possess an aversion to the sounds of drumming and rattling. I am wondering if there is another sort of instrument which I might adhere to while journeying, such as the Tibetan flute. Shaman's Market has a number of CDs which sound interesting. Thank you. Amy
  3. Yeah and also, it's weird that both mine and my spouses dad's died inside 1 year, unexpectedly, both of different reasons. But both at the same age, and the calendar month was same, just 1 year between. So whatever it is it might have affected that. In between that time one of my mom's brothers died, and I do recall seeing a dream of him being interested in kabbalah before he died, even though he was not close to me, and probably not interested into that. But some sort of symbolism it seems to carry. Don't know if my father's suicide is supposed to cause him any spiritual problems? there are probably many takes on that depending on thy religion. Month of father's dying was February, 2020, and 2021.
  4. Current conclusion about my problem, some sort of "vampiric link" or several of those, somehow it also causes bad luck. Or just plain annoyance that it seems to feed off. I have concluded many possible reasons for this, deciphering my dreams, and analyzing past situations. It likes to cause me panic, or lethargy, symptoms of vampiric attack I suspect, but it also gains momentum for not letting me succeed. I don't know how it does that, but for example, my problem for years have been finding us and apartment where we can stay without problems, just last night I once again thought that I had found one, yeah we could have to move AGAIN, but this was very nearby, it was free, and the cost was affordable. Today "poof" it's gone, someone else got it, similar case has happened many times. No reason to explain further unless someone here knows what to do about it. Sleep paralyzes are sometimes caused by this, or me battling it, but sometimes maybe just because of drinking beers and hot air. Was this vampiric link the same thing that pushed that KYGO speaker to the floor? I don't know there had been a death in that apartment as well. I might have done something that draws these forces towards me, like occult rituals trying to see to the other side. But I do suspect that in many case, these are inflicted to me by other people, both by their willingness to do so, and just by being around them, like viruses. yeah I think that's it, viruses. It does affect me like a computer virus. Once again "Vampiric Link" is just my current term for it, not exactly sure how what all of these things are, maybe I should email Vargtid and discuss with him, it just causes me anxiety to do so. Maybe they cause it, who knows.
  5. Earlier
  6. Hmm, yeah I think I do sometimes have these encounters, which I could further interpret. Sometimes I just get lost in the stampede of interpretations after interpretations. But I think know that feel when you discover flashes of some hidden truth. I will think about emailing, somehow I'm feeling uneasy about sharing too much about my persona via internet nowadays. I'm not even active on typical social medias. Well I do have a pinterest and steam account, but no facebook for example. I read your story about your encounters with the spirits btw, it was a lot to go through, sounds like very personal experience ,- difficult to translate that kind of experiences to other people. And perhaps there comes the issue with myself too, I'm not sure what should I tell about myself so it's not irrelevant or too much. My favorite band, if i had to pick one is Nokturnal Mortum, but i don't even listen to black metal everyday, i'm quite flexible with my music taste, Nokturnal's music is kind of mixture between shamanic and black metal, well, I suppose its "Folkish black metal". Drudkh, is also good, and also Ukranian.
  7. Fin, Allow me to give you an example of patience, if you could be so humble; my favorite band is Cradle of Filth: I listen to them every day - all but songs from their original album, 'Total Fucking Darkness'. This because I own it, on vinyl, original, unopened, in mint condition. This record sits on my shelf and although this is my favorite band and I could at any moment listen to any song from there on YouTube, I choose not to. I still have a perfect copy of their first album on vinyl in the original cellophane, frozen in time. Once time speaks to me, I'll know it's time - it'll likely be years more; perhaps there's something within that album I'm not yet meant to know to better myself. I will learn it then. Until that moment, the original LP still factory and unlistened of my favorite band sits on a shelf. When the day is right I will hear it. Though I have heard and seen them live - them and every other band like them - this one record remains sealed. I know enough not to ask questions. Answers are revealed in time. I know how that sounds, but from my experience anyway 90% of my other-world experiences were things I didn't expect at times when I wasn't prepared. That said, I don't just 'wait', now, prepared with wisdom, I collect things which someday may spark intuition. Again, I don't follow the tradition of those here. I forge my own path, but they know that. That's why I posted my personal email above. I would never try to derail what these cool people are doing here. -Varg
  8. You never know who you're going to meet on the internet, and that in itself is always an adventure.
  9. Fin, Wow, so many questions to respond to... I follow my own path, and let that be known. Although I have the utmost respect for the Makers here and have read their writings, I maintain my own beliefs - and they know this. It's no sign of disrespect - no - I'm a Shaman in what I see as a great Shaman community on the Internet. We are who we are and define convention. It's okay that I'm not perfectly aligned with everyone here. I'm here, as is everyone else, because I'm different. Are not we all? The Shaman irl with which I spoke of earlier who I met with was... a harrowing experience, and was not paid for btw, but just an encounter. As far as tattoos go- they're not for everyone. There is Alchemy in ink. I have two or three other girls' names inked in me to remember, but my current partner is not among them. It's because she is important. When I know the way to put her name on me and where and how, I will. Everyone expresses themselves in different ways. That said, funnily enough mine are not 'expression', as I cover them... but rather expression for myself. For only here, in my home do I see them. Idk if that makes any sense. As far as a sprit animal goes - and again, as I have said I am not like those here, but it is something that you will know. Perhaps some life experience will show you. I have learned much through patience. All that said, Fin, please email me at my personal email ryanpinkston8@gmail.com and perhaps we can speak or video chat or w/e you want - we can arrange it there, off-forum. That's my email, and that bit is up to you. This is the best place to meet people like myself and I want not to draw anyone away from here, but if someone is closer to my beliefs than others, then I would obviously love to speak with them personally. I give my email because that's personal and business and I check it all the time and will respond, and I realize that even here I'm a bit of an outcast because I'm not a Maker - but are we not all here because we are outcasts? Also, you clearly share a love of Black Metal, lol, so there is that. -Varg
  10. Vargtid

    Hailsa!

    I agree with you completely on that. It's become part of my brain; but that's okay... The way I see it is I have added answers to variables that were beforehand lingering in my brain. This is one reason I find comfort in books. I can read of others' experiences and languages and not have to go there. No, it's not a lazy outlook, but rather one of wisdom and foresight - or at least that is what I tell myself. I do still experience what I read. The current book I'm reading is by Sade. That's an experience. So there's that. -Varg
  11. Rodulf

    Hailsa!

    I, too, am retired. I have thirty years in the military and law enforcement. It's difficult to maintain a positive mind as we are living through the dissolution of the current world system. I've been in a war for this system and have enforced its laws for many years and I feel betrayed by it, but I try to move past that and be the best husband I can be while working on my own self-evolution.
  12. I thought we would get along to some extent, even though there must be many differences in our lifestyles. Then there are similarities too, and somehow we were drawn here, this must be a mental ward. the maker people are the staff, but we the fugitives have our own theories, staff goes shaking their head. Perhaps I must mention that I'm probably more harsh to any shaman, than a normal person would be, because I know about the cold reading technique some people use. So they really had to tell me something that I haven't given them already. And that shaman who I spoke of kind of missed it because we had 1 hour video call + 4 hours of IRL conversation before her session. So, vague representations of what might have been going on explained in symbolism didn't quite convince me. And I sensed the oppressive being/energy being just annoyed for that shaman claiming to have gotten rid of it. Not only that she claimed that she restored parts of mine and my spouses soul, and she did this remotely - it's a lot of claims at once. I have been told things online earlier, by a witch not shaman, but she too used shamanic type of travelling to check things for me- Some of those things may have been right, but I can't say yes or no because we also talked a lot, and I haven't been able to fact check everything. Also I did not pay her like I paid the IRL shaman so it's irrelevant in that way to compare. And I never precisely asked her about spirit animal. Even though the tattoo is cool idea, don't you feel that you have further condemned yourself to be that prodigy? it's your personal business, your tattoos ofc. I know it’s a two way street, not because I knew of your experiences, but because it often is, and that’s why there is both, a bullet in your flesh, yet strength found in that fact. You have made it so. I could think of few animals that could be my spirit animal, but I would like to be sure, like actually meeting it in some fantastical way, yes I expect them to talk to me :-D. What kind of benefit does knowing your spirit animal give you? does it help you get around in life and beyond ?
  13. Vargtid

    Hailsa!

    On YouTube my main channel is Darkdally. youtube.com/darkdally And the same greetings to you, by the way, kinsman! I am not a fan of technology by nature, but that, honestly just kind of fell into my lap. I work from home which however does suit me because I get to be alone and read books and practice. I do practice solo, and such like that. I've had an adventurous life which ... lol now is mostly retirement and Shamanism, and that's the funny part, because Shamanism is anything if not adventurous. There are more videos always coming on the afore-mentioned channel. It's mostly military gaming because irl I am military, but I'll tell you that my true passions are exploring, hunting, books, and languages. Perhaps boring... but I've worked enough that I can finally enjoy those and learn. Thank you sir, -Varg
  14. The first thing I thought was yeah - I lost interest after Vortex and Mustis Were gone. I last saw Dimmu live back in 2003, and that was about it. I did enjoy their remake of Stormblast in like '05, but yeah. And as far as your comment on Kristian becoming Varg - yes - I know the whole story. Overall, I couldn't agree more. Haha. You made me actually laugh out loud. Good on that, Fin lol. Moving on, you raised a great question in that what was it that had me realize the wolf as my sprit animal? I will have to think on this. First off, I was using the name Varg long before I'd ever heard of the events of Mayhem back in the early '90's. If that was a thought, then nah, because that's just coincidence. It was something else, back in ... let me think.... Fin, I first got introduced to Northern Paganism, (which I later came to find were my ancestral roots), back in '99. I feel I've told this story before, or at least that bit. Before I knew my true calling as a Shaman, I was a 19 year-old Wiccan with eclectic beliefs just basically going off books I had read. I first found much of what I had in the early 2000's, like '01 and '02 through, oddly enough, an RPG, like D&D, that I was playing with friends. I played my character as part of the 'Get of Fenris'. I barely knew who he was at the time, or not to mention other wolves such as Freki and Geri, but I guess .... it was... not like yours. I have spoken with a Shaman more advanced than I, back in I believe '09, and that was far more ... whatever than I care to recall here. She knew more about me than I care to admit. You know how it is. It just came into me. In every circle I've been the oldest, the most experienced, the wisest, and the most clever. That along with my associations to Odin... just led that way. I knew names of Odin before I even really went down that route, and used them, without knowing. I was born on a Wednesday. I, as Odin, have sacrificed myself many times, and my life here, to gain other knowledge. It was some twenty years ago when I realized my kinship to his wolves, and not decided, but knew that that's where I belonged. You understand? The sprit animal of oneself can't be a concious choice, but rather a realization, or revelation of how you lived. That's how it was for me. Thank you, ~Varg
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  16. Do not worry about what you cannot change, it is done. But If you cannot change the past then you might as well empty it: take the energy out of it for your use at your disposal in the now to create a different future from where you are standing to stand somewhere else with power. I guess that’s my philosophy.
  17. My own solution has been that “if I can’t change the past, and I can’t - might as well not worry about it” and also that it’s very difficult to know in advance or retrospect that what decisions might have worked better, that constant live in regret wouldn’t make life better. Must just let those thoughts flow, otherwise the ocd will just make it worse like you said. I’m sure some sort of shamanic/magical work would give me more of my energy back thought. Every moment has potential to be amazing, right? not that we should worry about it too much. Also you could do this second trip to Vegas, and if it doesn't go well as planned, don't worry you can just conclude that Vegas is not for you. You could also pick another destination of "alternative healing", maybe Amsterdam?
  18. That tattoo idea is quite cool actually, you must know your runes well, for now I couldn't make such phrases without using online translator. Dimmu has come less interesting after they kicked out Vortex and Mustis, 1998 and 1999 cd's are pretty good example of their better work, although I did like in sorte diaboli, which was not always common among the fans. Even though I seem chatty, every reply I post here kind of hurts me. with frustration, despair, and shame. Isn't that weird? not saying that I was twisting in agony, but still.
  19. Yeah, I know very well it means wolf, that's probably why that famous Varg also changed his name to that, from "Kristian" which ... means Christian, heheh. Hmm, yeah it's interesting that Asatru is so much in contact with jail in Americas, it's hard to comment anything on that. I don't think it's necessarily only bad that it's a racial thing there, the other ethnicities are sure to have their own things, so why not something for European originated people as well. Hmm, it's kind of awkward to comment more on that otherwise. What I'm basically saying, is that I'm glad if it helps, but I'm also unsure if its anywhere near the same as what they practice as Asatru or Forn Sidr in scandinavian countries. Here in Finland may be only solitary asatrus or private groups, old finnish religion is basically more diverse set of beliefs, part shamanism, part polytheism, part animism, part black magic. "Karhun kansa" is finnish folk religion organization, although they have only 65 members. You'd be surprised what kind of folk magic we had, it's quite vulgar, and less known these days even among finns. Being a "man-witch" was more common unlike in Scandinavia, even though many magical customs had to do with showing female genitalia. Very diverse set on beliefs really, perhaps influence from both west and east. I know nobody asked but I was narcistic enough to represent my country anyways, hahah. I'm not sure about my spirit animal, how did you find yours? I was told what mine was by a shaman, but I just find her whole story about "my curse" difficult to believe.
  20. Rodulf

    Hailsa!

    Hailsa, Kinsman! Thor and Freyr's Blessings to you and yours! Those inclines to shamanic flights will be the reconnection of humanity to its Soul. Where are you on YouTube?
  21. Hello Varg, You should check out some of the articles on a practice we do called recapitulation and consider adding it to your "fixing it" list. It's a form of energy retrieval from life, trauma- doesn't take the memory away but leaves the memory empty of feeling. Yes the dreaming space is a great dumping ground for trauma, suppressed memories, etc. But why live with PTSD, when you an heal it? All that energy of ours we leave lying around through the corridors of time, from people, wars, family stuff, exes, you know just from being alive. I think if every human practiced recapitulation, we would be in a different collective reality. It really works, Varg. Eman
  22. I'll be frank here to get to the meat of the subject: I'm blah blah and have been blah blah blah, back a very long time ago, and I think on many things less and less every day over the past twenty years. "Time has a way of taking time" ~ Megadeth. Good quote. What troubles me is a girl I was with last year, and I have no doubt that it will continue to come back on me, as if she's ever found competent to stand trial, I'll surely be called as a witness. I will exercise my Fifth Amendment right and stay silent. This post is about PTSD, and this is why: There is no real, general way to deal with it, and let's be honest - that's a righteous bitch. But it's true. I still think of the things I saw this girl do that creep into my dreams. Time does indeed have a way - it does take time, but things fade away. I post this because someone mentioned it and I still have trauma so fresh in my mind. The very mention of it will always call it, whatever it is back up. That is, until it finally goes away. Any business that happens towards you is just that - yours, and no one else's. Take this from an expert in the field of avoiding thoughts of traumatic shit, okay? I try to think in the 'now'. How do I deal with this girl who effed up my life last year? It's like impossible to not think of something, because that alone triggers your brain to think of it. Trust me, I know how it goes. Let's turn this positive. Trust me. My most recent traumatic memories are of driving this girl back and forth between here and Vegas and all the things that happened. Most people thing of Las Vegas as a cool place where anything goes and what-not. Sure. Well I have things in my head from there that haunt me still... so... no problem - here's how I plan to fix it. First is a good PMA. (positive mental attitude); the knowledge that I am going to fix it. Next is I'll save up like 10 grand or something like that and take a solo trip out to Las Vegas and stay in a super cool hotel suite and blow all the money on gambling and whatever and live that life that the town perpetuates. What I mean by this is creating new memories. When people here in the US think of Vegas, we think of decadence and debauchery, drinking and gambling - not of things that happened to me. So I see it as a simple matter of I refocus my life on what I have here and what I learn, and then, perhaps in a couple of years, I go back out there, alone, and live the LV life to excess and 'overwrite' all that bad crap. Take it from an expert in suppressing bad memories - make good ones to overwrite them. It works. -Varg
  23. Fin, I'll be honest and say that I read your OP but skipped the replies to it. lol upfront. That said. Yeah, I personally have much experience with sprits. Look through the forum here for my series entitled 'The Girl on the Other Side of the Door'. I posted three parts and then decided to stop because I'm collecting it and adding to it for my next book. From a fellow Northern Pagan, ... yeah. I know a little bit. I'll try to check back here and reply. -Varg
  24. Vargtid

    Hailsa!

    Welcome, I am Asatru as well; since my introduction to it 23 years ago. I was on the other side of the system in jail, but that was then. I too am retired now and know well anything you wish to speak of Asatru, Shaman, or otherwise. I don't check these forums often, but I always try to keep up with good folk. Blessings to you. -Varg
  25. As a follow-up, and on a more personal note, amongst my tattoos is one on my left arm which reads "ᛈᚱᛟᛞᛁᚷᛇ ᛟᚠ ᚹᚨᚱᚠᚨᚱ". "Prodigy of warfare". It's a quote from a Dimmu Borgir song, but most importantly a reminder of where I came from and who I am now. Always be who you are, in that moment and eff the rest of the world, - Varg
  26. Thank you for the reply, FinWanderer. Varg of course refers to the wolf in Norwegian, and also serves as the prefix to the word in English, 'vagabond'. We are wanderers and teachers. The wolf is my spirit animal, hence my name. Thank you. I can speak much of Asatru. Both from having been in prison, but mostly my studies and the books and such I've collected. That said, I do find it so sad that in such mentioned places it's designated as like a racial thing and none of them know a single thing about it. I was always regarded as upper class, because of that, but that's just stupid prison politics. It really is a shame that what I've spent my life on becoming such a thing. Moving on, it's good that you have a partner, and although I don't know you, I'm happy for you. It never seems to work out for me. Take joy in every productive day spent with such a person, I say. Tonight the Moon is nearly full. Live every day to its fullest. -Varg
  27. You've come to the right place. I first found the path that lead here in the military. We'd congregate in the sand out in the PT course every Sunday, as opposed to the more conventional religions. I too have PTSD, but it's not from military service, but rather from a person I was with this past year - a woman. Moving on is not necessarily the same as moving forward. I always look at things as 'moving forward'. We're forever moving forward towards whatever brought us here, and that's why you post here now. The people here are kind and caring, and I can attest to that. I personally read a lot of books and learn history and work to keep my mind off of things. When the mood strikes me, as tonight I stepped outside and saw that it looks to be a full moon tomorrow,, I think of where I came from and what is important. I've always gone my own way, hence my name, 'Varg', or whatever it is here. I am a true lone wolf. I realize however that not everyone is - not that it's anything to reach for; it's something some of us are comdemned to. I say this because you mentioned PTSD. My response was to draw further within myself where I feel most comfortable. It may be different for others. I'm always here - on and off -Varg
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