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I don't know what to do anymore

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I cannot cope anymore.  I am at a loss at what to do.   I spent my younger years traveling and backpacking the country.  I had a few NDES complete with being given a medicine name.   Eventually things became darker.   I have ptsd and do not go into all the details.  But my life became supernatural to the point of unbelievable experiences.  I certainly experienced a very long dark night of the soul and could say I am there now.    I did not know where to turn because there was the world of psychiatry and i found myself staring at it even though I knew many of my experiences were real.   I was then diagnosed with multiple diagnosis despite my experiences and seeking out healing centers or healers.   I have no idea where to turn now.    I was saved in spirit in close to death experiences and had many miracles but also after the death of a loved one started having the scent of roses visit but for a year he had clung to me.  I actually can engage with the energies of the dead and the alive at times and channel even their voice tones through my mouth.   I miss myself and my autonomy at times and other times its a comfort.  It made me feel as though I lost myself in these other people or experiences between worlds...    I checked myself into a treatment center and what a joke it ended up being.  Basically I felt like I paid to incarcerate myself with watered down medicore group therapy cut out for someone that had never read a self help book before.   I checked myself out as soon as they would let me leave due to the incredible amount of money I was paying.     My body feels like its screaming all time time in times of stress and my heart broken.     I am tired.    Anyone else just not known what to do anymore but doing their best?  What do you do then?


Edit: Additional information

I also had experiences with "spirit spouses" and spirit children and have read many negative reviews on the internet about them other than the occassional shamanic view of the matter.  I did not request for them to come..it just happened....  (keep in mind I had no idea what they were or even that they existed until I googled my experiences)  I had spouses traveling to me complete with the creation of spirit children and seeing different flowers bloom in their creation and feeling the full blown penetration of sex with these beings or people that I knew.  It became that supernatural.  I had my hands going into mudras and at times a shooting energy through my spine.  (other times in times of denser energies cords going into my spine as if to consume my life force)  Eventually patriarchal kings became involved I was shown and channeled on the the other side and told this information  a spiritual war was at hand due to the intensity of my initiation including a goddess being that had been helping me prior.   I get assistance in the form of feeling someone or something on the other side touch me with a healing hand of light or heat.  Yet I also experience some kind of war and I miss myself and my free spirit.   It was like I was in a war zone and sometimes I would gain ground and other times I had been caged or lost to myself......

Edited by Wildflower
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When I look at you, you are standing with your back to me, on the edge of a road or clearing, looking out over mountains or a canyon. Or I see you directly as energy, and you my friend are very empathic and stand exposed to all the energies of the world with very little to shield you.  All humans come encased in an energetic layer that somewhat shields them from the onslaughts of the frequencies of the world but some people are born with very thin layers, so you feel and experience a range that most people do not. The world didn't turn out to be that innocent happy place you thought it would be when you were very small, did it? Take heart. There are many like you with that purity inside them, or who stand positioned between the dead and the living as you seem to often stand. I've had a couple NDEs myself, and I know what kind of catalysts they can be to a person's energy. With all due respect to the psychiatrists who mean well, they deal with the realm of the mind only, while shamans see a much bigger picture of the world and what reality is.  

The best thing I can tell you right now is to first try and find a way to stop giving away your energy to spirit spouses and all other supernatural beings. Your energy is yours and they will tell you many stories to keep you in agreements and entanglements, or energetic exchanges, with them. They cannot connect with you in the way that they are without your agreement on some level. Why do they want this? Your light is bright. But it doesn't belong to them. This life belongs to you. Yes the world can be a lonely place and yes humans can be very cruel, but the world can also be a bountiful place and full of rich experiences, especially when you learn to stand in your own power and experience it on your own terms. When you can say "no, I don't agree to giving you my energy" and mean it, they lose all power over you and you can learn to meet or connect on your own terms. Doesn't that sound nice? So say no to that narrative they tell you and find out when you are ready if there is any truth in it, and if there is, whether you want that to continue being your truth you don't need to take my word for it either, just yours.

All these supernatural experiences you are having, imagine being a warrior and "maybe" having, if you want, experiences with the many many beings -- or humans, out there on your own terms.. and much, much more than that. We are born into this life for ourselves, to live as we so chose, but sometimes we have to fight for that right. 

I invite you to try the recapitulation / self-healing exercise that I think Lorrie shared with you a few days ago. It really does work, Wildflower.  I spent my youth handing over my energy and power unquestioningly. When I said no more, and learned to retrieve my energy, my reality changed. I think you also asked about being a wounded healer in that post too: let me say you will rarely find a healer who isn't one. That is how the universe, let's say for now, makes sure they can truly relate to the pain and experiences of others.



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Thank you for the reply.  Yes I can be very much of an empath as well as a sensitive.  I liked your imagery of standing and looking out over a canyon or mountains.   That has been myself in ways lately physically.    The spirit spouses became somewhat of a nightmare.   I could feel their cords enter me at times and it was distracting me away from myself and at times engage in the cord and be told "they were extra eyes" for myself as an ancestor or as a spouse.  However not all of them were welcome and became domineering in what they desired to do and I found my lifeforce energy often times consumed by them or their desires.   I did not even know the existed until I googled the experiences and it became tiring because my father on the side also became involved and very domineering to his desires or fears.  I could feel the cord in my energy body- go there and then engage my vocal cords to actually channel them at times complete with even male or other female tones coming through my mouth with guidance.   I certainly need to reclaim my own being due to once being such a free spirit and have asked them to leave at many times and wonder if its for some higher reason that they do not.  I even had jealous spirit spouses put cords in my throat and was told it was to cause bad breath to deter other mates due to a reason we potentionally attract mates in spirit due to breath.   It all just became too supernatural for me in ways because I was not getting the loving communion I desired other than with certain mates and other ones would try and block my natural mates if they did not like them or were jealous.   How on earth could this even happen I questioned?  It was like being in a sci fi movie.  Anyways I truly appreciate your reply and will be trying some of the exercises and doing more research.  Hoping for incredible healings.    My journey sent me into a deep depression yet at times found out I was depressed due to not living as a certain person on the other side desired and picking up their emotions through their attachment to myself.     

anyways love, light and blessings!

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