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To take oneself too serious / self-centered appearance


Terra-P
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I ask myself if this is some kind of common for people with some kind of "ways".

I became very self-centered since a couple of years. And I hope I can let that go again. But when I think back, it was always the same just different and it didn't stand out because I didn't look for contact for two decades.

It is paradox because I always made myself small. Seeing others as teachers from a young age. What did I gain? Disrespect...

I felt like I was attacked in every way possible. Outside and inside.

I was megalomaniac "I can safe the world" ... but I didn't safe my self. Safe the world by doing nothing, not taking part in this predictable human game and this inhuman system.

I had understanding for others always and contained myself. I didn't express. But this stopped some years ago.

There are so many silent things within myself. They were doing a great job.

I know there are people saying "today's people are too weak. It is a luxury to have time to think or have depression"

I always thought that those like me, have to work on the stuff other generations didn't solve. We do the work of all the wars and drama. But perhaps someone like me is just a physical brain-mess due to heavy metal and toxins (some Doctors think  that most of autistic traits are not genetics but poison they inject us).

Might this be an excuse and only half the truth? Perhaps it needs more "pressure", more "hard life" to gain a little more resilience. And perhaps the generation dramas would even be easier to solve... idk...

I was a victim of negative impressions and thought I am a hero feeling all the pain of the world 20 years ago. How stupid... who is helped by that? My depression looking for reasons? Now I know that the pain I felt for others is real pain. I knew it back then, and I know now it was the real feeling, because I have some circumstances myself.

I learned to switch from crying to laughing within a second. But this also leads to no where and you can't run away from pain and expression. It is not healthy.

I wanted to be controlled. I always wanted to reflect... "it is my fault"

I lost control more and more since a couple of years and it feels good somehow to act it out - to show feelings... but: I seem to be toxic sometimes... very toxic... I wouldn't hurt no one, this is not the case, but my energy... my communication... my sexual frustration.... my frustration with the world....

And the next moment I can laugh like the world is a joke. No matter how I look at it... every side of it seems "ill". I can be childish and I can be cold as ice.

I was crying for contact - suddenly after I found myself - or parts of it... found energy, found heart... found joy sometimes... dancing in the room which didn't happen for almost 20 years.

Questions arise: Am I a narcissist?

Without this label I could see reasons the way my life was... and the hope that I can find a way in human interpersonal well being. But I was different from the beginning. Asperger autist traits in a huge scale. But something isn't right there..

If I would have to describe all my traits: Shizoid borderline narcissistic autistic HSP ADD/ADHD... this ain't even a joke. But I can be so peaceful, I can be so nice, I can be so loving, I can be so caring... I never had the chance...

Sometimes I ask myself if I just wear masks I learned from the outside and I can take every form. I am not illusionary - but sometimes it is a thought that comes up. Perhaps there just has to be the one being where my true self can show up.

Sometimes I felt like "empty" and every person I met, I resorbed his/her problems and manner. And it takes a couple of years and suddenly I see the person acting through myself.

This is what makes me so stupid think: I was self-centered in fear... highly sensitive - the egomaniac empath. Did I really do it "for the world... for the others"? No! There was a time I saw the "one" in all and since that moment it made no sense to me to act different. But the world and even my ego doesn't function like this. It is not healthy.

 

To me there is nothing without self-reference in this world. This might sound very narcissistic - there is a piece of a puzzle missing for a social being. Yeah it might be a missing trait to fit in social concepts. But in the end, it is all social self-reference at work. Behind all this - to me there is always the "I". But one can't disturb with these thoughts... one can't be direct. And in the end if it gives a human feeling, joy and meaning - if it is the nature of people. Where is my nature? This is a thin line between the real "enlightened" state of mind and a huge ego acting like it is self less. Can be pathologic ...

I was so afraid of being "opened"... of being "caught"... of being "seen" ... and the fear seems to have been eligible.

It was always hidden... myself was hidden until a narcissist stabbed me... "bulls eye". But I was chasing the stab... I ambushed the stab... I was sneaking up and played like I don't know.

 

A nurse told me when people get very ill or they are close to death at the end of their life they become very egoistic. "No time to waste! No energy to waste!"

I became an "energy vampire" - I guess that's what happened. WWW is a bad example how I am. Because in the WWW I partially act those sides out in an extreme way. I don't have real life contacts atm since a couple of years. I am looking for the "kick". "Did someone read my post? Did someone write me? Are there the two ticks beside the messenger message? Hunting for dopamine... but there is more behind. It is loneliness and a inner child in fear of being left alone.

 

One of the points I wanted to make was: Since I found the playing of myself. The endless reasons why I act like this or that, the story of the self. Since then I know my "impulses" and what lays beyond all this social masks. And I don't want to waste any time any more. I don't want to waste any energy and attention. Ít is not that there is no "heart", that I don't have no heart. But it needs circumstances to arise as a human. And the heart has its own agenda.

F.e.: Women. There are few circumstances, and few women I only talk to without intention. I don't waste any more time with women. I am not their therapist and I am not their energy source any more listening to their stories of their guys.

I know what I want and I know what I need. But I am a little late, a little to disabled and a little to special.

Perhaps I should go to men groups. But most of the men I can't stand and deal with. And women... as soon as there is women in real life which attracts me - I can't stand this sterility of only talking - so I have to isolate. The call for skin contact, for sex and for relationship is so huge. To me there is no greater psychedelic than a woman. And I ask myself why we humans, why it is so complicated to just have a hug or sex.

I have to "cry" in two ways: The people who don't have all this sensitivity that moves worlds in a way that it is cosmic, I cry for them.

But I cry for myself because it isn't masculine and so there are no women in my life.

I am miles away from being able to take part in this society... this is a hard truth. "come close or go away" is what is going on within. I can't stand small talks. to me normal friend meetings with a couple of people was always stress. This is autistic - they/we don't have the social feelings that come up due to gestures and facial expressions. But still we need contact.

But I know how I can be when I am broke up, seen, stabbed - and this can be a very social being.

Being a human is so complicated...

 

I know how I am authentic and I know I could have fun within people/friends, but no one can stand my true self is my thought on this. And as soon as there are women... omg... either I hold back and isolate or I am becoming Dr Jekyll. But I don't have the position for this. It is too extreme. I am like a lion which was hold back for decades. A frustrated lion roaring so much and so loud.

I am surrounded with walls on every side I look. I see no solution.

 

I don't know if anyone can understand what I mean. Most people I know which seek loneliness came from distraction with people. Most women I know /talked to, have excess of men options. Most men have friends and like to meet them....

Indeed I often can't stand the world anymore. Absolutely self-centered on my wants and seeing the world living is one stab after another into my gut.

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Hello PeZetKa, 

To a degree there isn't anything wrong with wanting to look good or being centered on you- I mean, you are the main character in your own social movie, right? But what impact are you having on others... like, why do you feel the need to be an energy vampire why not just have energetic exchanges, it's a lot more enjoyable.... and the urge to have sex is very natural we are sexual creatures not nuns or monks. Shamans are just very picky about their sexual partners but also very open to experiences and nonjudgemental.

You know, you should read some of the articles on recapitulation available on the website. It's a self-healing process of energy retrieval and it gives a person a lot of insight and clarity into themselves. Give it a try. The world doesn't have to be in black or white, just good or just bad, there can be a nice balance you can reach within yourself. It is difficult for empathic people to deal with the energies in the world, isn't it? Recapitulation can help with that too- check it out.

 

Eman

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Thank you @Eman

This topic here and my long story was exact the same which the post was about. Self-centered... I have this pattern again and again. Perhaps I chose the topic for hiding doing the same the topic is about or having an excuse doing it "look I know what I am doing, but I do it anyway, but I am reflected!" 😅

I am just not that strong... when you start to feel after a long time without. I don't know what to do with all this. And the more words I write or think about it, I am at risk of typing a novel...

Things build up inside and then I have to talk somewhere and tell too much. Too private stuff. And afterwards I feel bad about it. So complex to explain what it is or could be in detail what is going on since a couple of years. It is so complex... but in the end it is just energy.

 

19 hours ago, Eman said:

like, why do you feel the need to be an energy vampire why not just have energetic exchanges,

I am like too silent or too open. Almost my whole life I was the silent one. Sitting there while others "party" or chat. It is a communication and behaviour problem. Typical autistic problem (I am not diagnosed but use it to explain). There is no feeling of when you can talk (in real life). And they are known to be silent or hold a monolog. Same for me. It is a pendulum of life long holding back. While others chat in real life for having a good time, I am going into details no one wants to know.

And I feel that I try to compensate real connection through internet. And it is boring - or unfulfilling to me. Plus the frustration, the pain and then there is no control sometime somehow. But the found "part of myself"... complex. If I would start about that, I guess 1. it is too much and ending up in a novel 2. no one wants to hear 3. I am afraid of answers or opinions ... because somehow it is all I have... if I lose this I don't know what can keep me going.

19 hours ago, Eman said:

and the urge to have sex is very natural we are sexual creatures not nuns or monks. Shamans are just very picky about their sexual partners but also very open to experiences and nonjudgemental.

Yes of course, but it can be so strong, especially if you are very sensitive, don't have the best "nerves" (low threshold).... It was also hidden a long long time. I tried to be/act in a way I am not and only got rejection and devalued again and again as a human and man. Suddenly the mirror came. It was always like that. I was blocked and suddenly it breaks through. Also oppressed shadow things. My whole life I had some fear of my inner monster.

And this is something which makes me so crazy. Because on the one hand I have my urge which could have it with every woman which attracts in some way. But the few times I tried back in the day without feelings for the women, I felt bad afterwards. Empty and disillusioned.

Actually I am one of those who needs love. I am split. I gave up women and sexuality at the age of 29 because it was nothing but pain. They all wanted the strong or bad guy and I felt they wished to have violent man. And still... now that I could say I feel more, now that I could say that I accepted my feeling/soft/devoted part... still women don't change and time is running.  I always thought I am free. But life can be gone so fast. This effect is in my bones. I was like "I want to live every day as it is the last day". This makes me freak out since 3 years, because day to day, month to month, it disappears more and more. My energy, my drive, even my heart. It was panic reaction. And with that, it seems (could be illusion), my potential to develop also disappears. To me it is the same. Like energy starts down at the root and rises. "Funny" to me, because I never wanted to think like this, is that my heart was dependent on my sexual energy. Not really the agape heart... but the fullness of my self. It seems to be important life energy which was missing most of my life. I went crazy... and like you said "picky" (me also as "non shaman")- there are so few people really fitting. And I thought 3 years ago I found. Everything was going crazy - from sex to heart to spirit... The woman I really need isn't available on this earth. so too picky I can't be. 

From the beginning I was looking for the "spiritual showdown" - the "big bang" with a woman. But this seems to be unrealistic dreaming. I had this happen to me. But it has to happen on both sides. And so ... I can't really fit to "normal people". It isn't working.

19 hours ago, Eman said:

there can be a nice balance you can reach within yourself.

I hope I will live intensity in my live once... I was too reserved and not feeling myself.. but it is like it is. There is fear of becoming "neutral" - having no more intensity.. I had so much to catch up on.. but I am 41 - and all are standing somewhere else. Had this done with 20 years.. perhaps 30... - I was in my depression and stuff. I have so many things which make me "non fitting". And the outcome is a behaviour which pushes away people.

19 hours ago, Eman said:

Recapitulation can help with that too- check it out.

Yes thank you.

 

Edited by PeZetKa
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On 10/28/2022 at 5:38 AM, Eman said:

Shamans are just very picky about their sexual partners 

when I think about that I was tripping after orgasm having the first time sex with a woman - only the first time... like something is happening energetically. Laying there with closed eyes and spectacle is going on for 30-60 minutes and you can't tell it to someone who has no clue about those things. Sometimes the second time as well. But never the third.

Or all these uncommon perceptions in togetherness. Or working with energy fields and so on... not only touching the skin... but touching the energy fields...

Closeness, sexuality - everything can be so intense and spiritual. Or losing your body formless...

And you can't communicate those things with normal people. But in the spirit scene most women (but perhaps these are those Yoga-spirit people having not the same ways like we do) are like "Tantra!" ... I can't here it no more. I want to go deep - shadows...
 

 

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On 10/28/2022 at 4:19 PM, PeZetKa said:

Actually I am one of those who needs love. I am split. I gave up women and sexuality at the age of 29 because it was nothing but pain. They all wanted the strong or bad guy and I felt they wished to have violent man. And still... now that I could say I feel more, now that I could say that I accepted my feeling/soft/devoted part... still women don't change and time is running.  I always thought I am free. But life can be gone so fast. This effect is in my bones. I was like "I want to live every day as it is the last day". This makes me freak out since 3 years, because day to day, month to month, it disappears more and more. My energy, my drive, even my heart. It was panic reaction. And with that, it seems (could be illusion), my potential to develop also disappears. To me it is the same. Like energy starts down at the root and rises. "Funny" to me, because I never wanted to think like this, is that my heart was dependent on my sexual energy. Not really the agape heart... but the fullness of my self. It seems to be important life energy which was missing most of my life. I went crazy... and like you said "picky" (me also as "non shaman")- there are so few people really fitting. And I thought 3 years ago I found. Everything was going crazy - from sex to heart to spirit... The woman I really need isn't available on this earth. so too picky I can't be.

Hello again. The thing is, the love you want from another person, you have to consider that most women are also locked into certain perceptions of how relationships should be and what they should be looking for from a partner. They too are wounded by life and have their own baggage to work with. From where I am standing, the reality here as I see it is that you won't find what you are looking for from another person. That kind of love is much bigger than human love. Don't expect anything. So what is the answer? Maybe enjoy the women who cross your path that are closest energetically to you, with great intensity for you, whatever the outcome. And accept that human love as we know it lacks a lot. For me, it is the great self-love and great acceptance that I'm only going to get "X" from all that and I am ok with that. That acceptance freed me to enjoy what I want to enjoy, or what I already have in my life for what it is, and to not look for something that's just not there. Bent people, shamans, often touch upon that great burning love and desire and are filled with it, but they know that is in their essence and not something another human is going to give them so they move through the world without expectations.

I hope this is making sense to you. Enjoy your life. I'm not saying you shouldn't love, love away, love lots, love sex, but expect nothing. You don't need another person to make you complete: you are complete. But then again this doesn't mean you can't find and have love: you can, only that it's never going to live up to your expectations. Work on you. Love you. Enjoy the ones that come your way, even love them in your way, but expect nothing. When you can sit alone in the dark and be happy, congratulations. :) Life is short, so don't go looking for a fairytale. Look for you, build and empower you. Seek you. When you are whole, as healed and as whole as you can be, it doesnt mean desire isnt there it just means you know that you can be free from a misleading longing and in that freedom truly enjoy things, partners, sex, for what it is and nothing more. 

My opinion anyway. It's funny how healing yourself makes you more free from being attached to the idea that a person other than youself can fulfill you.

Eman

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I agree completely with what Eman has said. I would only add this: if other people seem to be enjoying that which you think you seek, remember you are only seeing your own interpretation of what is there. We often fool ourselves into seeing what we want to see (or fear to see). Work on your own self-healing first. True for everyone - even those of us on the spectrum 😉.

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@BethYes that's true. I have my things I like but I don't know how others are feeling or if they feel in a way I would like to live/feel at all. I know there are many people "unseen" or unheard. The feeling is so immense it moved my whole world. The toughest thing to let go. But I have as long as it is not there because it is too intense.

I must sound like a whiner and since a couple of years I must realize how "weak" I am and this is a fight within and often I feel bad (which is bad in the end again) about it - very bad. Because in the past I didn't feel or long anymore anything for a long time and thought I am strong (which doesn't work out as long as I had fears and depression, it was this "nothing matters" thinking).

My first lesson was to accept that I am sensitive and it was wonderful to start loving yourself beginning with this recognition. But it was as fight - like split. And through accepting this, real strength seems to show up - and those two parts didn't fit together somehow. "Iam this! I feel it, how could I have thought I am strong?" ... then "I am strong... I laugh tears how could I have thought I am sensitive?" ... everything was a lie and I was totally off. Almost explainable with sexes. One feminine one masculine. And I love both of them. My thing was that I realized I only came there because of a mirror and it needs "work". There is the idea of "growing into the full masculine" - but I don't know if this is an illusion and dreaming of the one part of myself which was influenced by his surrounding and been imprinted having to be the "tough guy". In the end I think HSP stays HSP. But as a man..

This was the shock to realize that self love isn't everything. Because if you love/feel yourself you want to live yourself with others. This was the point in life I had to damn all these spirit people which say "If you love yourself everything is fine, you don't need anything except self love!". This was the point were the pain began. I guess people who say this in a general way, have a surrounding and don't know the other side. They think it is everything because it is normal to them to be distracted and looking for love only at the outside.

I don't know - could be me personally that I am bit more in this closeness direction (it would have to show up if I am even able to... if I have borderline tendencies, everything could be an illusion). Can also be an autistic thing. Lot of them need structure and are family guys. Perhaps this could give me some "strength bonus" 😂 but could be an excuse. When I read about the stories of shamans, everywhere, makers of course, too - there is always this "we are strong, we don't cry.... " or like we in germany say "An native american doesn't know pain". When I say "cry" here in my posts, it isn't meant like that most of the time. Sometimes I am a bit theatric.

And I have this habit that I saw it as a strength to be 100% honest and open. A little bit stupid in this world. It was work "I have to be open, I have to show" ... ☠️... and we all know how interesting people are which have nothing mysterious... (don juan + castaneda... DJ "you can build a fog around you... a very exciting and mysterious fog... no one will know where the rabbit will pop out!" ... C  "I can't keep secrets!" ... DJ "Then Change!!!!")

I don't have anything to do with this "gender" stuff... but I read about native americans a couple of years ago (don't know if this is true), that there are so called "two spirits". And it was told, that these have the spirit of male and female within and are in between. And it is said they often have been those with spirit tendencies and looking into other worlds.

This made me think! Especially because a couple of people I talked to, which have talents -  spirit wise - were in between...

 

.. from the spectrum as well it seems... 🙂

Edited by PeZetKa
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