Finder Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 (edited) Hey @ll I really don't want to flood the forum here and I think I am going to withdraw a bit, since it is a small forum and few people are active here. But one thing - which happened now and I realized how thin the line is to "fall" again. Perhaps someone has a "rescue" tactic for this and perhaps even knows the same thing and what is going on! It is one of those things which made me feel ill and it was hard to believe "I can do it" "i can go through" - especially not feeling like a victim or mentally ill.... Actually I know I would have to take time, lay in bed, go deep, go into it. But I know this could lead to a long time confronting things and being not able to handle life for a while. So I always have to figure out how to deal with that. The first time I sank into it (retreat?my English is not so well) and didn't try to be strong and fight against it, I had my break down and was done for weeks. How much do I miss a surrounding giving you time if these things have to be done. OK: I was a little bit off today (food is important, too much gluten can be fatal) and have this "syncro" thing from time to time. This time I saw something which I could have taken personal but it wasn't the syncro feeling really. But it was something which is a deep fear (it is a mental illness label I saw) "Shock" and old feelings appeared. And then I remember this ugly feeling I had for years again and again - more or less chronic... seldom heavy but sometimes very heavy. I know many people know this- especially while bad trips f.e. . And I know a couple of people which use this without fear and it is normal to them (Matrix topic guys, which think 90-98% don't have an soul and are NPC's). They even go into dissociation by will. (Writing this now already calms me down a bit) This ugly feeling made me ending up feeling nothing, because I wanted to close everything back in the days. OK I am open now here: It is the feeling which could be described as "paranoia". If something like this happens outside, it is the feeling that all the energy of the people is in your direction. "Watching" - strange and "threatening". Like you are in a Truman show. A Truman show wouldn't be that bad it there is no fear. And perhaps this is the only problem. And I can imagine very well how some people don't trust anyone any more due to this feeling. If I consider that some people do this at will and have no fear, than I have to ask why some people can't handle this or are in fear or perhaps have old issues and trauma - which are like an "overlay" over the scenario - leading to wrong thoughts or reactions. When I think about when it all began, I was overwhelmed with inner issues. The first time I had my breakdown due to all this, it made sense - was shown issues from childhood. Like it should happen to be able to heal. I know dissociation because it is something like a chronic thing. A little bit is always there. This state which has been triggered now is something different. It must be an overlay. Hard to describe or separate. And always since the beginning is one thing knocking at my door... it is like an inner monster. An issue I couldn't fix till today. Perhaps it is my shadow which has to be revealed finally. Or it is a self made entity from back in the day... or (I don't want to even look further! I had horrible things going on trying to confront and look at it. If I would be at a place where I don't disturb anyone... if I could scream... primal scream...) I know there is something huge for me to confront. But it is so immense (I tried a couple of times) that I would have to have a real surrounding and a safe place.... I am not able to afford are long time "off". Edited October 29, 2022 by PeZetKa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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