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I'm tired of getting new friends only to have them move on after I have talked them about life and helping them to overcome something that was keeping them here. I lost another friend today. I know it's selfish but I am very tired of getting to know people just as they are leaving this life.

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Some people come to us for a specific reason, some come for some time and a few stay for life.

What about setting up an intent to find a friend for a lifetime? Using an intent has an upside to it - You can choose exactly what kind of person You want, cool, gloomy, lively, smart, strong etc. Or you can wish for a person that You need, or someone who will help You in self-development.

 

Make sure You're not trying to use new acquaintances for egoistic purpose of becoming more, because it usually just hurts you in the end. For example you find a new friend from an art school thats very charismatic and draws everyone's attention. As a result, people on every party you bring him to, start seeing you as more interesting because you hang out with interesting people. When new friend leaves, you feel you became less, because people stop seeing you as more interesting. Being attached to mental position of being interesting and loosing it causes suffering.

 

It looks like people are coming to You for counsel and when they get it, they are leaving You. It doesn't really look like friends, more like temporary acquaintances. You can always postpone helping them and make them cling to You for longer, if You choose not to find true friends in another way.

 

If You have problems finding friends try watching Naruto. It's a story about a boy that's hated by everyone, because people connect him to a catastrophic event that killed many people in his village. With hard work and good heart he manages to win respect and friendship of many people, tho it's not easy at first.

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I appreciate what you are saying.Maybe I was to wordy. What I was trying to convey was I'm tired of people coming to me to die.

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It is a difficult gift, I use the word gift because to me helping someone take the last step in life is a healing act. I think the advice you got is a good one, having friends around you is a great way to find balance. Life and death is a dance and to create that balance, for the waltz to move smoothly across the floor of your own energy you can develop a counter weight so to speak. A lively one. The other aspect is detachment, if you are too attached to people who are going to die the losses add up over time and pain ensue. You can move yourself to a more detached position still be of help but when they leave you will be able to let them go better, because in the end it is their death, it has nothing to do with you. As always this kind of shift of your own energy is done through your own self-healing, especially the recapitulation.

 

Best of luck,

Cyfnos

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{{Thumb}}

 

I think both Christian and Igacy offer you two different but powerful perspectives on what you're going through. It is a gift, truly, to spend time with someone at the end of their lives. It teaches you about life and death being part of one holistic cycle, and you can learn to be there and hold their hand for however long while developing detachment from their actual dying, so you won't get hurt.

 

On the other hand, if this pattern in your life is becoming too painful, like Ignacy said just intend for another pattern. Intend for friends to come into your life who are going to stick around for a while too. I think both friendship positions will have a lot to offer you and teach you, just as you will have a lot to offer and teach the friends that are only passing through your life briefly, and the ones who will stay a little longer.

 

It's very, very difficult to loose people you become attached to. When they unravel, the ones left behind are the ones who experience loss and pain, but truly it doesn't have to be that way. Understanding what death is as a transformation and unraveling from the human form doesn't have to be painful, but a natural part of the life and death cycle we all go through.

 

We have an expression here in the Maker tradition, rather a name we call for people who help others pass over: Death Walker. When someone dies, a Maker can be there to help the dying person unravel their energy in a way that is not so terrifying or scary for the dying person, and help them make it more of a peaceful experience. Death, dear Thumb, is just as beautiful as birth.

 

Mandy

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Hi Thumb,

 

You've already been given some excellent advice. I'd like to add it's ok to not work with those people who come into your life just as theirs is about to end. I know on the surface it sounds selfish to not help someone who comes to look for help, but if you cannot deal with the situation then you're helping others at your own expense. It is truly a gift, but it can also become a great burden if you don't have the tools to do the work in a way that lets you move through it without adding to the pain you are carrying. You can think of death walking as another way of healing, it's just you're not healing life, but healing its transition to death. If you haven't healed yourself healing others is very difficult and can be consuming. There are different paths to self-healing but the only one I truly know is the way of the Maker tradition, and you can read more about it in the articles on the main http://www.shamanscave.com site. Here's also an article you might find interesting: http://www.shamanscave.com/contemporary-shamanism/deathwalkers

 

If you do want to help them, go into the process with a clear intent - it could be an intent to stay detached, or to learn from the experience, I think it could really help you to have some sort of path you're following through. Detachment is not about not-caring, it's about being compassionate, but not getting attached. It's a bit tricky position to explain and also to obtain, since the way past history has shaped our energy and our emotional make-up creates openings for our energy to get entangled with other people in ways that are often detrimental - that's why the self-healing. Besides the talent being a gift, in seeking your help the people are also giving you a gift - it truly is a magical transformation and one of the most intimate ways you can get to know a person. You want to connect with them on clean grounds with clarity, but if the shaman hasn't dealt with their personal issues, then it can become a tangle of two wounded individuals or leave you in great pain over the whole thing.

 

Kai

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Thank you all for the sharing of wisdom.I normally can identify someone who has come to me to help them along I just had one slip by my radar that didn't give me the usual feeling of being about to move on. I should of recognised from my discussions and musings with him but didn't and I am not accustomed to them leaving without my fore knowledge of what is about to happen. I apologize for my rant but this friends passing took me so much by surprise I felt and still feel slightly overwhelmed. As I sit here writing this and reading everyone's words I am recognising the usual pattern but had never really associated it to someone so young and full of soul. Normally I can perceive when someone is ready to travel as I like to put it. Something kept me from recognising this time. Usually I help people that are on deaths door to come to terms or embrace the next step. This friend was alive and full of vigor. Anyway thank all of you for your words of support I will overcome this I just will try to be more aware and not ignore the signs and portents when they present themselves.

 

Thumb

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Thumb, I think that, with most things, you just get better over time with more experience. Next time you'll probably recognize the person's intent to move on. Keep up your work in the world. As the others have said, deathwalking is a gift, and we need those who do it.

 

Beth

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Thumb, just to add, to me, I don't see this as a rant but a conversation we've all benefited from. Welcome to the cave :)

 

 

Mandy

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Intent is very interesting and sometimes ruthless. The deathwalker intent will keep moving in search of new experiences. It sounds like you have lived something new, something that will change you, change moves you into unfamiliar territory, a place where we have to reinvent ourself, that process grows us, brings us knowledge. In the shamanic we have the big one the shamanic death, your own death can help you move to a different perspective. It is not an easy transformation, it kind of stretches you, your energy and emotions will run high but the intent is ruthless it will move no matter what because in the end it is who you are and what you do, the rest is irrelevant.

 

Here is a good article to start learning how to work with your own death: http://www.shamanscave.com/practices/death-as-our-own-ally

 

Cyfnos

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It's interesting that you talk about my own death, I was clinically dead for approximately 3 minutes when I was 12 years old. I had drowned and was successfully resuscitated. At the time I was experiencing what I now believe was a transformation of myself. I went from the rambunctious teen to what my family deemed a hermit. I didn't feel comfortable around people and certain places would literally make me physically ill. I also began to have night terrors, walk in my sleep and have conversations with unseen people while I was sleeping. Animals started showing up wherever I was that would follow me for no discernable reason at all. I believe it was unfortunate that at the time my parents had made the decision too practice the Pentecostal faith because they and their pastor made the determination that I was being oppressed by some entity and proceeded to poor my young mind through hell trying to rid me of this. Now after some 35 years I am beginning to think that this was me being called to service. It wasn't until the last 8 or 9 years that I could put a name to it or even recognise and accept it. I still am my own worst skeptic. I noticed that if I ignore things life gets extremely rough and sometimes even deadly to me. Just last August I nearly died from a bee sting after being stung many times in my life with nothing more than a bump. Once again I wondered if I might have ignored something for to long. Any way thanks again for everyone's words of support and wisdom.

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One of the signs of someone marked for the shamanic path is a near-death experience. Another is sleep walking / talking, seeing the unseen, etc. I was pronounced clinically dead for 5 minus when I was 8- and I remember where i went and what i saw too. That article Christian linked you to is a great read.

 

 

Mandy

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There is a never ending gift of impermanence, things are always changing even though we hold onto the dream that things will not change.

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