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About confilid

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  1. Hello Shamanscave, I found this forum after learning that another forum where I was a frequent reader (re: student) and scarce contributor had shut down. After a brief look around I feel peace and ease here. So, I think I might as well introduce myself as a seeker, by posting my question. I will try my best to describe my dilemma in brief. 7 years ago I entered into a long-term relationship which lasted 5 years. In the end, it turned out to be a predatory, narcissistic, psychologically abusive relationship that left me reeling at the end when I finally had the courage to ask my friends for help to escape, and those friends had the courage to answer the call. During that time, I was introduced gradually to all kinds of things, and although the relationship was a bad one, there were many events that put me on a certain path of spiritual awakening. I learned these things from my ex, and in hindsight now I can see that she strategically led me down a rabbit hole, starting in a place of truth, leading into a narrative, ending up in a place of controlling fiction. I'll try to sum that up real quick; introduction to shamanism, followed by introduction to Toltec sorcery (a la Carlos Castaneda), followed by a completely fictional story revolving around us, our past lives and soul reincarnations, destiny to be together as eternal fairy beings incarnating as human, purpose to cleanse the world of human filth, etc. It started off light and got very dark. I've been out of that environment for almost 2 years but I am still reeling. I did find much truth in my shamanic journeys. I also found truth in dreaming, and still do. But I feel like I am at a loss for direction. I guess my problem that I'm trying to present is threefold: 1) I find myself no longer able to do a shamanic journey. I have every intent and interest, but every time I try, I cannot focus at all and most often fall asleep during the process. This has been the case since I left her. 2) My support network of friends who helped me out of that situation, one key friend in particular, keeps pressing upon me the idea that Shamanism is just a belief system that keeps you tunnel-visioned in and unable to see the grand picture at large which has no belief system. (He has spent many years delving into connective modalities such as linking awareness and bodytalk) Which hey, to be honest that sounds amazing, but I cannot help but feel belittled just because I am where I am on the scale of spiritual development. Shamanic journeying used to help me to see the truth, even when it was not how 'she' said it was. I really believed in it. What's going on? Am I having some kind of "shamanic dysfunction" by allowing these thoughts of what she lied to me about, and what I might be missing on the grand scale, (in essence, the input of others) to intimidate me into impotence? 3) Is there any kind of litmus test per se, some kind of ringer for truth, some way or technique or process that any of you might employ when presented with new information or challenged on a belief? How do you decide on what you believe? How do you know what really resonates with you? What tests do you put it through? I should cut it off there, I think that's pretty much the long-and-short of it. This is my best effort so far to put this problem into words, although I'm sure it's still found wanting. Thanks for reading. I'm happy to have found this community, I'm sure I have loads to learn. Peace, confilid
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