redfeather

Hello beautiful souls... So I have written two long posts and deleted them... I have never posted on a forum before and I think I didn't realize I had so much inside I was holding onto.. I suppose that was a good release either way lol... Thank you for having a community like this for those of us struggling on our path.. I am here because I am really hoping for some advice. If asked I can tell you more about me, but basically I have been going through a spiritual awakening for over 5 years, the dark part of it weaving in and out and back again.. I have been single, by stubbornness and choice, moving every few months to another country or state so that I don't get too close to anyone because I think now I realize I am scared to be let down. At the darkest of what I thought was 'depression', I was having thoughts about not wanting to wake up when fell to sleep. Often. Not sad, at all...Like peaceful smiling fading off into sleep thinking of not having to do this again tomorrow or anymore. That's when I knew I had to tell someone and I couldn't just keep being there for people and pretending I was okay. I told my sister. And two friends. None of them knew how to look me in the eye after that.. None of them had time to talk, they wanted to change the subject or tell me what their car problems were, or tell me to just go see a doctor and get on some antidepressants. Nobody heard me crying for help and I think I have trust issues now. And I already did not value my worth, and it is hard to work on it when I feel like nobody else does either. (Just putting a quick sidenote out there-I do not blame anyone else for where I am, and I take full accountability for my place and my healing. I do, however, think that our conditioning teaches us how to survive and we become what we got used to having to do, now it is our responsibilities to discover those roots of the issue and try and unlearn what we have done.) So, anyways, I just started moving. Nobody understands what I am going through spiritually, as this world is so disconnected from spirit during these times... so I just have been doing it alone for a long time. I did get brought, beautifully and divinely planned it seemed, to a shaman and have been working with a few different healers and modalities for a couple of years now which has truly changed my life. The community has showed me what true support and family feels like. I have been so grateful to know I am not alone in going through all of this. But, nonetheless, I am so unbelievably lonely and tired of running. And also with my gifts, I am struggling. I don't know how to function with the gifts I have and I don't know how to protect myself or use them.. And to be quite honest, as much as I honor the medicine path, all the beautiful forms of healing I've been honored to sit with, energy work, sound healing, psychology, reiki, etc ......I've seen so many gifted people for support these past few years, but I have traveled far and long to see them, paid them all. a lot of money. To spend time with me...To help me. To listen to me cry. To support me... It feels a bit depressing when I think thet the best moments of my past 5-6 years were very expensive... Do you see what I mean by this? I hope it doesn't come off the wrong way... I think I am seeking a teacher (one can only dream!) or a community (of likeminded souls) that I do not have to PAY or have a reason to spend time with. Others that share the same ideas and philosophies about life. I had someone tell me at my last ayahuasca ceremony that the reason I am stunted in my spiritual growth and understanding how to use these gifts is because I am a gypsy, but a gypsy has a tribe of people. I have been alone for so long. and she recommend me rooting myself in a place to where I can find a teacher to help me learn how to manage my gifts of intuition, premonitions, knowing what's going to happen before it does... I do think guidance would really help me to feel safe... as I have always felt alone since a kid and I think that's a inner child wound I still need to heal...... but I don't want to feel like I am doing a business transaction for spiritual support right now. does this make sense? I hope this didn't come off wrong. I mean well, and I support and honor all of those carrying healing ways and I know you have to make a living as well. I get it. I am in the process of considering where in the healing world my soul fits to do good as well. I mean no disrespect.. I just feel a bit unworthy right now and I think the amount of times I have been doing all of this and still nobody to talk to when the appointments are over is beginning to get to me. I just want to not feel so alone anymore. Sorry for the short novel... but if you made it this far, thank you for holding space for me and letting me get this icky feeling out of my body. Have any of you felt this way? Do you think I am in a place of self-pity? Honesty is appreciated, don't worry about my feelings. xx I hope you are all safe and well with the craziness and heaviness out there in the world. Sending my love. XaràXara