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mystd

Disturbing almost illusion

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I got a simple cold last week. While I was lying in bed I had this inner voice (as if talking to myself) ask in the voice of someone I care about if she could come in. I "said" yes first and then continued with "if you are really that person". But that second part seems to have been ignored. Since then I have this daydream like picture/vision of a black/dark dragon like being inside my thoughts. Most of the time it is just it's eye looking at me. Sometimes when I open my mouth it feels like it's also opening its mouth. As if I'm the dragon or becoming it. It's not a very accurate description but I'm not sure how to describe it, it's a really strange feeling. It's a bit disturbing and distracting it's not a full illusion that I can actually see though, it's more like I imagine it and that I'm stuck on imagining it whenever I don't concentrate on something. Sometimes it even happens when I try concentrating on something. Before this I often had this dark picture of a smile in my thoughts but not as frequent as this dragon like being. Any ideas what this could be? I'm not sure who to talk to with about this. If i went to a modern doctor I doubt that would do anything but waste my and their time.

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One time when I was in a deep meditative state I heard this voice say my name with tonality. Very strange because usually my thoughts are without tonality and this voice did not have my inflection or tonality. Still haven't figured out what to make of it, but I'm following some breadcrumbs which will I know will unravel into understanding it eventually. There have been very few other times after that one where I've got experiences almost approaching it, but only audible enough to hear sound without being audible enough to make meaning out of it. These other times were in lighter meditative states, so my guess is it has to do with a specific state of consciousness that I sometimes fall into where I let go in this extreme way where I almost fall out of traditional existence. I haven't quite figured out how to operate the controls to this altered state of consciousness, but I'll describe what it feels like and maybe you will find it useful or can make some sense out of it.

 

Part of the feeling is not being grounded it my identity. Almost like the feeling of blackout that comes when I drank to that point in the past. I noticed this feeling because when I heard my name the first time it shocked me out of the deep meditative state. There was this absolute stillness that I was inseparable from. There was no separation that comes from experiencing the flesh. Like I know the boundaries on physical form through the sensations that tell me the boundaries. The hairs on my skin rustling in the air and the skins tensions, temperatures, and other sensations clearly defining those boundaries between me and not me. So none of these sensations were present, yet I also still felt my existence. It was not through my mind which is how I normally experience my existence. I normally experience myself through my mind's point of view. The sensations are felt then interpreted, acknowledged, and described through my mind most of the time. So aside from the lack of physical, mental, etc sensations there was also this experience of beforehand of the meditation technique starting to operate on it's own. The technique is called Vipassana and it works like this in it's most basic form, you start at the top of your head and do body scanning from that point down to your shoulders, each arm, torso, each leg, then back up in the opposite way you went down, like if you went down your left then right leg then go up your right leg then left leg then torso then right arm then left arm etc. So normally I do the technique by maintaining my awareness of the point of my body that I am currently scanning, eg top of the head, holding equanimity, allowing the sensation to come and go. It takes a lot of focus because I have to constantly bring my drifting attention back to the process of scanning through the technique.

For some reason during this specific meditation after I was meditating for I don't know how long my attention was continuously focused on performing the body scanning technique. My awareness was not tethered to my attention though. This separation of attention and awareness I think is the state of consciousness that occurred when I experienced the phenomena that I was talking about earlier of hearing the voice with tonality. Anyways I did the technique and I noticed that my attention was "stuck" in doing it, not that I couldn't get out of it sense but in the autopilot kind of way. My awareness on the other hand was within the absolute stillness experiential place. The voice's emotional context was holding a space of wanting my attention, wanting to tell me something. Kind of that emotion you feel from people or feel in yourself when something just happened and you are rapidly trying to inform someone of something. Not to the extent that something really bad has happened, but to the point that the toilet is overflowing and you need some help figuring out how to resolve it to prevent the problem from getting worse. That kind of anxiousness, but not necessarily fear.

At the time I had this experience I freaked out pretty hard because it didn't make a lick of sense. I didn't have anyone to talk about it either and I still haven't figured out what the hell happened, but writing a response to your post has brought a lot of clarity and there were a few other experiences that allowed me to build up my understanding of it. Regardless, I hope this helps in some way.

Regards,

Alex

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Was an interesting read, not sure if it's any help though. Luckily the presence is already getting less and I'm kind of accustomed to it now. I'm pretty sure that I did something while meditating that I wasn't supposed to do or maybe I was doing it wrong. When I think about it this way that eye changes back into that inner smile. I'm practicing to create something like a healing aura by concentrating on my heart chakra. I try opening it as much as I can, letting the energy flow and radiate through my whole body. Not sure if it works but sometimes it feels like it works. I often try to connect to the one I care most about with that same energy and I think that was the problem. This seems to have attracted this being. It kind of feels like that that being is part of my higher self. I can also feel the eye connected to my 3rd eye chakra.

Edited by mystd

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The "dragon" (let's call it that) need not be negative. 

1. It may be an entity (and thus, it may be trying to protect you or show you something).

2. It may be symbolic (e.g. represent something you need to do).

From the information you've given, I suspect the latter. The trick now it to find out what it represents. Only you can know that. 

I found your comment on meditation interesting. If your mediation is passive, then it is almost impossible to "do something wrong" (although it may bring out negative emotions or thoughts, which can then be examined and dealt with).  If the meditation is active (meaning you are trying to call/activate an entity or energy), then yes, care should be taken.

Hope this helps and good luck.

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Posted (edited)

I only try to channel my own energy but sometimes I try to reach out with my own energy. I'm not sure if that is active or passive.

Edited by mystd

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