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  1. Yeah and also, it's weird that both mine and my spouses dad's died inside 1 year, unexpectedly, both of different reasons. But both at the same age, and the calendar month was same, just 1 year between. So whatever it is it might have affected that. In between that time one of my mom's brothers died, and I do recall seeing a dream of him being interested in kabbalah before he died, even though he was not close to me, and probably not interested into that. But some sort of symbolism it seems to carry. Don't know if my father's suicide is supposed to cause him any spiritual problems? there are probably many takes on that depending on thy religion. Month of father's dying was February, 2020, and 2021.
  2. Current conclusion about my problem, some sort of "vampiric link" or several of those, somehow it also causes bad luck. Or just plain annoyance that it seems to feed off. I have concluded many possible reasons for this, deciphering my dreams, and analyzing past situations. It likes to cause me panic, or lethargy, symptoms of vampiric attack I suspect, but it also gains momentum for not letting me succeed. I don't know how it does that, but for example, my problem for years have been finding us and apartment where we can stay without problems, just last night I once again thought that I had found one, yeah we could have to move AGAIN, but this was very nearby, it was free, and the cost was affordable. Today "poof" it's gone, someone else got it, similar case has happened many times. No reason to explain further unless someone here knows what to do about it. Sleep paralyzes are sometimes caused by this, or me battling it, but sometimes maybe just because of drinking beers and hot air. Was this vampiric link the same thing that pushed that KYGO speaker to the floor? I don't know there had been a death in that apartment as well. I might have done something that draws these forces towards me, like occult rituals trying to see to the other side. But I do suspect that in many case, these are inflicted to me by other people, both by their willingness to do so, and just by being around them, like viruses. yeah I think that's it, viruses. It does affect me like a computer virus. Once again "Vampiric Link" is just my current term for it, not exactly sure how what all of these things are, maybe I should email Vargtid and discuss with him, it just causes me anxiety to do so. Maybe they cause it, who knows.
  3. Hmm, yeah I think I do sometimes have these encounters, which I could further interpret. Sometimes I just get lost in the stampede of interpretations after interpretations. But I think know that feel when you discover flashes of some hidden truth. I will think about emailing, somehow I'm feeling uneasy about sharing too much about my persona via internet nowadays. I'm not even active on typical social medias. Well I do have a pinterest and steam account, but no facebook for example. I read your story about your encounters with the spirits btw, it was a lot to go through, sounds like very personal experience ,- difficult to translate that kind of experiences to other people. And perhaps there comes the issue with myself too, I'm not sure what should I tell about myself so it's not irrelevant or too much. My favorite band, if i had to pick one is Nokturnal Mortum, but i don't even listen to black metal everyday, i'm quite flexible with my music taste, Nokturnal's music is kind of mixture between shamanic and black metal, well, I suppose its "Folkish black metal". Drudkh, is also good, and also Ukranian.
  4. I thought we would get along to some extent, even though there must be many differences in our lifestyles. Then there are similarities too, and somehow we were drawn here, this must be a mental ward. the maker people are the staff, but we the fugitives have our own theories, staff goes shaking their head. Perhaps I must mention that I'm probably more harsh to any shaman, than a normal person would be, because I know about the cold reading technique some people use. So they really had to tell me something that I haven't given them already. And that shaman who I spoke of kind of missed it because we had 1 hour video call + 4 hours of IRL conversation before her session. So, vague representations of what might have been going on explained in symbolism didn't quite convince me. And I sensed the oppressive being/energy being just annoyed for that shaman claiming to have gotten rid of it. Not only that she claimed that she restored parts of mine and my spouses soul, and she did this remotely - it's a lot of claims at once. I have been told things online earlier, by a witch not shaman, but she too used shamanic type of travelling to check things for me- Some of those things may have been right, but I can't say yes or no because we also talked a lot, and I haven't been able to fact check everything. Also I did not pay her like I paid the IRL shaman so it's irrelevant in that way to compare. And I never precisely asked her about spirit animal. Even though the tattoo is cool idea, don't you feel that you have further condemned yourself to be that prodigy? it's your personal business, your tattoos ofc. I know it’s a two way street, not because I knew of your experiences, but because it often is, and that’s why there is both, a bullet in your flesh, yet strength found in that fact. You have made it so. I could think of few animals that could be my spirit animal, but I would like to be sure, like actually meeting it in some fantastical way, yes I expect them to talk to me :-D. What kind of benefit does knowing your spirit animal give you? does it help you get around in life and beyond ?
  5. My own solution has been that “if I can’t change the past, and I can’t - might as well not worry about it” and also that it’s very difficult to know in advance or retrospect that what decisions might have worked better, that constant live in regret wouldn’t make life better. Must just let those thoughts flow, otherwise the ocd will just make it worse like you said. I’m sure some sort of shamanic/magical work would give me more of my energy back thought. Every moment has potential to be amazing, right? not that we should worry about it too much. Also you could do this second trip to Vegas, and if it doesn't go well as planned, don't worry you can just conclude that Vegas is not for you. You could also pick another destination of "alternative healing", maybe Amsterdam?
  6. That tattoo idea is quite cool actually, you must know your runes well, for now I couldn't make such phrases without using online translator. Dimmu has come less interesting after they kicked out Vortex and Mustis, 1998 and 1999 cd's are pretty good example of their better work, although I did like in sorte diaboli, which was not always common among the fans. Even though I seem chatty, every reply I post here kind of hurts me. with frustration, despair, and shame. Isn't that weird? not saying that I was twisting in agony, but still.
  7. Yeah, I know very well it means wolf, that's probably why that famous Varg also changed his name to that, from "Kristian" which ... means Christian, heheh. Hmm, yeah it's interesting that Asatru is so much in contact with jail in Americas, it's hard to comment anything on that. I don't think it's necessarily only bad that it's a racial thing there, the other ethnicities are sure to have their own things, so why not something for European originated people as well. Hmm, it's kind of awkward to comment more on that otherwise. What I'm basically saying, is that I'm glad if it helps, but I'm also unsure if its anywhere near the same as what they practice as Asatru or Forn Sidr in scandinavian countries. Here in Finland may be only solitary asatrus or private groups, old finnish religion is basically more diverse set of beliefs, part shamanism, part polytheism, part animism, part black magic. "Karhun kansa" is finnish folk religion organization, although they have only 65 members. You'd be surprised what kind of folk magic we had, it's quite vulgar, and less known these days even among finns. Being a "man-witch" was more common unlike in Scandinavia, even though many magical customs had to do with showing female genitalia. Very diverse set on beliefs really, perhaps influence from both west and east. I know nobody asked but I was narcistic enough to represent my country anyways, hahah. I'm not sure about my spirit animal, how did you find yours? I was told what mine was by a shaman, but I just find her whole story about "my curse" difficult to believe.
  8. Now that I have calmed down, I just want to say I did make some exaggerations to make a stance, of course good manners and moderations are valued by Aesir for example, if you are reading havamal you can see this is so, they are not the only deities in such broad term as “Norse paganism” thought, and even they are partly devourers (Jotun). What I just meant that there hardly is any “Norse paganism” that can be legitimately recognized, and said to have certain common “noble” goal, society was in my knowledge very different back then. Thor told me when I "hallucinated" him speaking in sleep paralysis years ago, that if I invite A guest I should have something to offer, so I have to admit that some gods themselves might value some good manners, or then they are just demanding. https://mythus.fandom.com/wiki/Jötunn there is also deities family tree in that link.
  9. Actually I just add my suspicions here so I get this out of my mind, To be honest, Seems to me that you are following some sort of new-gnostic sect of Norse paganism, which I’m neither condemning or recommending, I’m just telling you that there is no such noble eightfold path in something called “Norse paganism” which is very broad term. Catholics could say, that I’m a grievous sin against the virtue of religion, that would be correct. You don’t have to believe me, just research, from sources that have citations preferably. Even then you don’t find the answers, but you can come up with them yourself. It’s paganism, there is no common goal, that’s the whole reason why rulers can’t use it as a tool to run nations. Its not noble, it’s not evil either, it is real, it is dark, it is light. You can adopt virtues if you want, but those are just personal values, and maybe your pacts with some deities. In paganism, as in nature, there are no virtues, only survival remains, only twilight between life and death. I think a lot of people who think are following “Norse paganism” are following revamp of some other religion, described and associated with Norse deities, this is why I wanted to rant. Study broadly and you’ll recognize what you are dealing with. SO, REGARDING THE TOPIC, there is not IDEAL, afterlife in "Norse mythology/religion" as there is no religion (Except nowadays recognized in Iceland and Denmark, you can ask them what do they think). Whatever groups there are in USA, there are too many for me to study and comment.
  10. Well... I have no clue what to say, where have you read that about Valhalla ? The only thing I'm "worried" here is that a lot of people will see Valhalla / Valhöll as some sort of ideal, in all my understanding there is no ideals in the old ways, in a way it's very "selfish" religion, it's actually not religion at all, so in that way the rest of what you said rings true, it's all experiential. But if we are using these terms, then citing some source would be vital, at least in public discussion, we can all have our personal experiences of course. I also suggest lookin up Slavic folk religion, they have very similar gods to Thor, Loki, and Odin, Perun being obviously like Thor, but Veles might seem more like mixture of Odin and Loki, there is some eastern influence in those religions, it seems - but the positive side is that it's less "tainted" by popular culture, at least I ought to think so, but it's also harder to find information, and I don't claim expertise. What I'm suggesting that comparing different European folk tales/religions might be to your liking. * I want to add that I don't think it's any use to think "Vikings" were saints, I'm not saying that you are claiming this either, also us Finns aren't really Scandinavians, but I'm sure a lot of beliefs were adopted, but more "dark and mixed" around here, this is symbolic Jotunheim, and land of the witches. people have just forgotten that. But it is true that even catholic church once condemned us. But for example instead of Wotan, the bear was revered here as ancestor god, also a lot of folk religion is basically what is called black magic nowadays :-D. but it could be said that Kalevala's Väinämöinen has resemblance to Odin/Wotan, and Lönrott's Kalevala was inspired by old folk tales, this however is something that I have to look into later myself, I just recently discovered the idea of this comparison. ** I also I'm not sure where have you got this concept of lower nature ETC, Norse heathenry is basically based on tales of gods, and people, they all act differently - this is what I'm trying to say, there is no ideal, there is no savior it is symbolized in the tale where Jörmungandr and Aesir Thor kill each other, as if ouroboros was biting its own tail. In that sense it's easy to see why it's not popular as religion, it's very individualistic, there is no great common goal. Modern churches can of course make such goals, but I'm just saying, that it's lacking any proof for me that there would have been such originally. Perhaps druidism or something like that would be more in line with "self improvement" of some sorts, but even that is very unknown to us today, and is surely consisting of wide variety of different traditions considering that it took about 20 years to become one. Valhöll was a thing of mercenaries, but it was not particularly sacrifice for greater good, religion, or nation they would do, look up Jomsvikings it is said they would even fight for Christian lords if they were compensated, even if Jomsvikings were strictly pagan. Then look up the Varangian guard, you see where I'm going here, those were simpler times in some sense, people were not as much looking relief of moksha or nirvana. I could go on and on, but maybe I wait for reply now, heheh. I'm not mocking ancient europeans either, on the contrary, i'm just trying to be realistic. The scandic religion, only exist as recognized religion in Iceland and Denmark I think, but I don't know if they claim to be the "original" stuff either.
  11. Hi Rodulf, and silenceseeker too. It's amusing how this forum is almost overtaken by people jarring about Norse paganism, including myself. Although I could also comment more on Finnish side of things if anyone asked :-D Maybe it is some sort of magnetism causing this "invasion" but at least it is an invasion, from neighboring cultures, it is not wholly alienated - even if maker shamanism does seem somewhat Indian / Chinese influenced, which it probably is not thought considering it's origination. Me on the other hand, I'm here to represent myself, looking for help, and depending on your religion might appear as Loki or other sort of contradictory figure. At least that is how I feel when I'm commenting, can't say because I don't see your gestures :-D. Simplification of this is that my opinions might not represent maker's either, just a guest on this forum too.
  12. It has been silent on this forum, but since I saw this let me just comment what I know, Now that there is internet... and so many forums, there are many speculations of metaphors, and some of them might of course be right. But for my understanding, Ginnungagap is meaning of primal chaos, where opposing energies or worlds, duality, collision, of polar energies - Niflheim and Muspelheim, fire and ice. Maybe that george R.R martin guy named his books after this (haven't watched or read the series) "songs of fire and ice". Listen to the song "Danheim & Gealdýr - Ymir" for tale of creation of worlds, for more poetic explanation. Soul in nordic cosmology usually is 3-parted, one of these parts is Fylgja which is nordic equivalent of power animal, Rudolf Siimek's book "dictionary of Norse mythology" is great for looking up these terms, but I'm too lazy to fetch it from the casket right now. Only very few people would go to Valhalla, there could have been numerous destinations I suppose, along with reincarnation, but Helheim sure would be more common than Valhalla, which in my understanding is not even a world, but a hall of elite warriors who kill each other every night, and eat Särimner's respawning meat every day. So basically its killing and diet of pork everyday, not idealistic for everyone, but I assume it would be exageration. I think we are already immortal, there is just different ways of being, being immortal as a biological human sure would be extreme comparing the average life span of what, 70 years? to unlimited time, but maybe that is wholly another subject and something that cannot be discussed in internet forums. I think keeping the threads intact is cool... but not everyone does, the Indian/ Himalayan religions seem to be fond of dissolving, where as the near-eastern religions are about keeping intact, and pagans are usually something in-between, isn't it weird? this multitude of religious ideals.
  13. SINCE, i was talking about dreams too earlier. I'll just write this here as if it was a diary, concentrating on dreams (After burning mugworth and asking for guidance). Of course constantly journaling my dreams here would be just a pestilence for everyone. Well third time we had few beers prior to burning Mugworth, so panic attack would not set in. Only symptom was for me some sort of light headedness and gf didn't get any symptoms. Not even on dreams the first night but I had a dream that was echoing another one I had some months earlier. In the dream I was apparently buying and old wooden house, it was a big house amongst natural landscapes, it wasn't particularly fancy except there was this interesting indoor balcony thing where you could set up chairs/sofa and watch movies as if you were in a private concert. That balcony was in the living room but you had to go there crossing another room, which was one of the houses "dark sectors" in the past dream this dark sector was in the basement. At least this time there was that dark sector upstairs as well. These sectors would be places where there just was, well basically dark, possibly haunted or other danger lurking around, but not shown. Person in the dream who was selling the house, was an old woman. probably nothing special about that, since it's often old people who are selling houses rather than young ones. It's interesting dream if nothing else. I see a lot of vivid dreams anyways, so it's hard to make out which ones are important, but sometimes me or my spouse do se dreams that more or less mimic future events. I'm usually unable to lucid dream thought, my lucid dreams tend to fall in pieces if i try to control the dream, it just shatters and i wake up. So in my case sleep paralysis are closest to lucid dreams. SECOND night however was my spouse's turn to see dreams regarding this same matter, she saw a dream of building too, but it was more like the building's we have lived together in - it had many floors and apartments, we were coming back from somewhere (to that place) in the night, and in the corridors there were these dark sectors just like I saw, expect she described them of being "absence of space and materia which could not be even looked at". she tried to warn me about running in to those, dark spots, even though she could not see in to them. She also saw a grey cat guarding/sleeping on her stuff (boxes of items), first she thought the cat as nuisance that would mess with her items, but when she came back the cat had just been sleeping there. Both of us saw a dog in our last nights dream, but they had no major roles other than being there. Well in my dream the dog did eat a lot of dog's cookies and followed people to abandoned house in apocalypse, where there was zombies inside. But that was not connected to other dreams directly, so might be nonsense/something else. Well considering animals she also saw marked sheeps , and noted that "it's that time of the year again" in the dream. I instantly saw psychological connection to those student people who come to the street wearing coveralls with patches. So probably nothing mystical about that side note. (Not sure if you they do this in other countries). The second one would probably be clearer if she wrote it herself, but i just put this here up as a journal on this subject.
  14. Yep okay, I'll wait if someone can. I think what you originally instructed me to do is what I do, maybe even too much as it is. You know, thinking about my life, and possible reasons for whatever. I also sometimes write down what I think. (And I do have pretty intense skill of hindsight too) So I think I do something similar already. This thing has just been bothering me for years, not even sure how many, and it does seem that I need external help especially from someone who has further knowledge of spirits, entities, curses. I'm not saying that your tradition couldn't be otherwise used for my help, and I mean this is your forum, so I'm not here to mock it.
  15. It is not as much a challenge, as it's just my firm belief that the "energy" is something, or HAS to be something in order to deal with it. If you prefer your own way of interpreting things I have no reason to challenge that. On the contrary, I was trying to explain that I see no benefit in changing my view, I think that purposefully trying to adopt someone else's understanding of worldview would be quite counter intuitive. So in my perspective the "curse being" does certainly use energy, but in order to be able to use it - it has to be something specific first, just like I am operating this computer, and I am using energy I harvested from food to do so. But it would be in my opinion of no effect to state "Well energy is writing us a post on forum" we need to identify me on some concrete level to be able deal with me. I take things quite literally, like I tried to explain :-D. So basically in my mind you are just saying that "Think about that 0 before it becomes a 1, but don't think of it as a 0 either" which IMO is just trying to reinvent bicycle, and for that reason, FOR ME at least, it is very important to have some sort of terminology - as I do believe something similar has existed in the past, and I do not need to reinvent it for this purpose. I could look it as an individual, and look at it's individual reasons but that's whole another story. Anyways, emotions would be the only way left to read the energy, if it did not posses ANY prior background research by someone else. I guess most abstract of those visions is that vortex of black strings (straight black lines) that I saw in sleeping paralysis hovering above my spouse's ear as she slept. That's sort of ??? creature that would surely amuse those who follow maker's path, but even for such thing I'd look a name for as if having it's name gave me power. Just like mycologist identifies different species of mushroom and so forth the medicine man, and all of the different industries can benefit from those discoveries. But, I do think it's cool that you don't think I'm delusional. I suppose that I still want to address that I'm not here to "challenge" people, i understand that i might come off that way, it's just more that in the limited capability which can be done over internet forums, I am trying to represent myself at least somewhat "as is". and with that becomes that it would be easier to work with for example norse/slavic shamanism, than lets say a caribbean or native american tradition. Edit: also I did not mean that I need instructions in finnish, even if some things might be more understandable that way, but sometimes it's easier to talk about your things in different language, in some odd way. Well at least i'd be hesitant to go ask help from Ylilauta (finnish equivalent of 4chan) even though i'm sure I'd gather many answers.
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