Nick

Just clicking around now, but it looks really nice !! Formatting and colors, it's all quite appealling and easy on the eyes.

So my cat died two days ago. I can't really say it was unexpected. I knew for awhile that she had maybe a year or so left. I took that information and generally made the most of what time I had left, but now that she's gone I am feeling all sorts of things. There is of course the usual regret. There were times where she wanted more pets than I had left in me on a given day. Days where I felt like doing other things than holding her. Looking back, whatever it was that I was busying about with was not really as important as maybe taking that extra moment and holding her. Kitty liked to be held. At least she did before things got bad last week. I could tell things were progressing when that changed. There wasn't a whole lot I could have done to prevent it. Bi-monthly blood transfusions averaging to about 5 K a pop unfortunately weren't an option. Even if I had the money I wonder if it would be worth it. You take away the monetary value that somehow we place on a life and what's left is quality. Was kitty happy ? For most of her life I would say she was. I heard the expression soul animal for the first time just last week and while I was reluctant to say definitively Kitty was my "soul animal" - i can now in fact confirm, kitty was a soul cat. There's just something about that bond. I don't believe it's a one and done, like I will never be able to have that sort of deep connection with another animal because I know I will and can, but for whatever relationships I have in the future, mine and kitties relationship will be unique. I've been through a lot with kitty. Life has changed immensely over the last 12 years, which is how old she was. Kitty was a constant. I would go to work and then home, alone and spend hours upon hours just hanging with kitty. It's unfortunate that we never are able to fully grasp just how important something is to us until we lose it. Even when we know and cherish what time we have our minds hide from us the immensity of our emotions. Or at least try. I never doubted that I loved kitty. There has never really been much I wouldn't do for her. And that love was something I felt all of the time. So many hours of just togetherness. Not like lost in love or anything like that, but just moments. Very special moments where you could be yourself, pour your heart into something and really be asked absolutely nothing in return. Well . . Almost nothing. Kitty liked treats. Loved tuna, yogurt. The underside of her chin scratched as she was held and leaned backwards with her face pointed down at the ground. When she was younger kitty did flips with me. Sadly there came a day where she no longer cared to do that, but there really wasn't a limit to the trust she placed in me. One time she got fleas. I was pretty broke at the time and was exploring ways to get rid of her fleas that didn't cost money. I decided a bath would work. Kitty laid on my chest and had all but her head submerged for at least an hour. I thought drowning the fleas would work. It didn't, but what cat lets their person do that for them. Kitty. In some ways I think I must have led a pretty sheltered life if a cat dying was like this supreme moment of grief for me. And it's not l have led a sheltered life, at all . . I've basically lost everything. A few times, but holding kitty as the vet pushed those meds in . . I have never felt grief on that level. It was like a movie. Me holding her face, choked up and sobbing. You'd think that's the hard part and maybe it was, but living without her isn't proving to be easy either. When I got home from the vet, she was in a box. I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and then picked a spot in the garden. A nice perch on top of a hill overlooking the bird bath. I've been at this maker thing now for 15 years and have had my fair share of moments. Burying her was one of them. It's weird how things come together when they do. A confluence of intents magically seeming to all arrive in that magical moment and with that bringing meaning right when you need it the most. I've learn to trust those moments. I had a lot of those with kitty. At the vet, I really wanted to take her home. I wanted her to die at home. I also didn't want her to suffer though. I remember holding her and speaking to her with intent, wanting to know what she wanted and she was just so chill. She was ready. As a maker you learn to deal with strong emotions. We connect to them differently and with emotions this powerful it has been quite the ride. It is odd because the pain at times is terrible, but that sense of connection and love is so beautiful that it makes all of the grief and requisite sadness honestly worth it. I suppose that's the point though. Living a life that is worth going through the pain of dying. I'm learning a lot through this experience and sometimes I am torn about that. I feel like finding joy in exploring grief is at times almost a dishonor to kitty. I really don't believe that, but it is a peculiar thing to experience. I find myself opening up and being unable to do anything but run straight at it in classic maker form. I believe that's it for now. It's a lot to process and deal with. I tend to sort of just go at these things alone, but I am part of a community here and that's what this space is for. Talking the weird stuff out, sharing and exploring things that a lot of people just don't care to explore. I attached a photo of kitty. If you have an animal at home, give it a hug for me ❤️ -Nick 891ae6c8-812c-493d-927e-bf5a8e7ff9de.jfif

The allies aren't without power and it does seem like you had a valuable experience. Being able to journey, to leave your physical self behind and move and explore the world around you is an integral aspect of all shamanic practices. Makers are journey people too, though our own method differs from that Harner approach. Not saying it's better or that the other is without power, we just go about it differently. Really, my only issue with the Harner course is that it's like this definitive how to book that explains what to do, how to do it and what you can expect to see. It opens people up and I think that's a good thing, but the scope of the journeying is still largely metaphorical and built around the expectations and ideals of the community that teach it. That can be limiting simply because the framework for the journey has already been decided before you take it. Vision quests, finding your spirit animal, power animals and guiding spirits or whatever you want to call it can and does connect people to a larger definition of self, but it does that by creating a definition apart from the self. People find aspects of their greater energy and rather than owning it make some other name for it and in doing so relegate their own power to something apart from them and while I don't particularly care for that, it does seem to help some people and I do think that's a good thing. If I were feeling ornery and I usually am I'd take what I learned from that experience and try applying it to things that exist apart from the harner methodology. You had a journey, now can you take it and go somewhere that means something more personally to you. Ask yourself what do you want to know, what do you want to see and then go about and have a vision. Try it without the weed too. If you can do it with it, you can definitely do it without. How people get there isn't as important to me as where they go and what they choose to do when they arrive. Also, just have fun with it. How cool is it that you had this experience..? Answers come in time and rather than try and force them if you let it, they'll just happen. It's another one of those damned shamanic paradoxes. Control by letting go. Trust your intent and your energy and it will take you where you want to go.

I've quit smoking, or fasted as you might say, many times in fact And sure, I do think it is good for you, sort of lessens the pull of the ally and can give you brief glimpses of clarity, but let's be honest with ourselves... It's really not that big of a deal. How about an actual fast for seven days, or go a few days without salt, or perhaps a month without talking, how about a few years without a phone, or tv, or internet.. There are a lot of things we can do without that can help in or journey to understand ourselves, but it's always important to ask yourself why... Fasting, abstaining, withdrawing or whatever you want to call it forces you to look at the connections you have with things and evaluate the emotional energy that you have invested in them. And I do think that is a healthy and worthwhile experience to have, but again there needs to be a reason for it all... What is the objective here, or intent..? If it's to know yourself and all you are willing to do for that is take some ayahuasca and fast from tobacco you might not like what you see so much. Fortunately there are other ways of getting to that knowledge. They require a great deal more work, dedication and persistence, but when you get there the experience is your own and the knowledge gained is yours forever.

I've found the mantra "keep going" to be useful when dealing with the shamanic. Stuff is gonna pop up and with change comes resistance. How that unfolds will be unique to the individual, but it is important to have a means of dealing with it when it does happen. Whenever I need to figure something out I do something called the recap. Put simply it's a process of collecting and understanding your energy, a way to reconnect with your energy and let go of everything that isn't yours. It's deceptively simple, but done with frequency and passion will bring about a change and understanding of yourself that is nothing less than transformational. If you are curious about the path and why things are happening to you, I'd start here, in fact... I did start there - https://www.shamanscave.com/self-healing/the-recapitulation Let us know if you have any questions! -Nick

I'm unclear as to what kind of help you are looking for. Would you mind elaborating a bit?

Glad you are giving it some thought and you're right, a lot of things can come in the way when it comes to the shamanic. I find it's best to try and make the recap a daily ritual of sorts. The recap can take you very far in your quest for understanding, healing and knowledge, but it does take some work. In the beginning I preferred working on it at night, though anytime that you can be alone and uninterrupted should work fine. Getting started I really wouldn't worry too much about the logistics of things. In time those things may pop back up, but the important thing, if you do want to move with this exercise, is to just get started. Some people work well with lists, especially as they are getting started out, though over time, as you learn your energy, you'll be able to follow the emotional connections within your energy to a place of clarity that is beyond your minds control. So... it might seem like an intellectual exercise, but it's really not. As you progress with the recap it will be you're larger energy and deeper connection to yourself that becomes your guide. From there you'll know where you need to go and what you need to do to get what you are looking for. Getting to that point can be a challenge, though the recap is set up in a pretty straight forward fashion. If you put your energy into it, you'll get results. They may come out in funny and unexpected ways, but that is half the fun of finding out you're not the person that you think you are. Who doesn't love a good surprise

Hey T, I think in starting the recap it's easiest to just begin with simple everyday things and work your way back from there. The reason for that is simply because people generally aren't as attached to their day to day life as they are their past. In time as you work back, those connections will begin to lose their hold on you and from there you can take the recap towards the more complicated stuff. Often people like to try and tackle the big stuff head on, but it just isn't very effective. It's like having an incredibly tangled knot with all kinds of small knots working together to form a really big knot. There isn't really going to be anyway of untangling that from the center, but if you work from the edges moving in as you go, by the time you get to that really big knot, it won't be that big anymore. So, I'd start with the small stuff and see where it takes you. Let us know how it works out Nick

The recap is the first step here that most of us take. It would help a lot with the things you were mentioning and the exercise and description of it are found on the main site and available to the general public. It's a deceivingly simple looking exercise, but it works and has done wonders for a lot of people, including myself. If you feel as if there are curses that are affecting you, the recap can help you see where they come from, how they affect you and give you the detachment you'll need in moving past them. I'd start there. You won't need any money to do the exercise and if you have questions about it I'd be happy to do what I can to help. Here is a link to the exercise- http://www.shamanscave.com/self-healing/the-recapitulation Let me know if you have any questions. -Nick