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  1. One thing leads to another. A short journey with a beginning and an end. Joining this forum for a short time has given me tree things and those tree things where of immense value to help me continue my journey. But mostly it gave me a sence of comanionship with likeminded people and the understanding that Im not the only one, that there is an whole world of people out there like me and that means I am not a freak. That helped me take a first step away from my ego, the selfobsession was just the way it had to be, but not any more. So Im continuing my journey in another direction, pushing wooden blocks here and there, letting intent guide me and loving life, as always. Thankyou with all my hart for sharing your wisdom and with that making my walking less wobbly. My feet are, always, firmly on the ground and the real world is where I feel most comfortable. Touch, smell, sight etc. I have something that I always intended to share and this is something that far to few people have in this world of cities, roads and cars. I have a small house on the edge of a fairytale forest with bears and wolf. Secluded enough for peace, but close enough for comfort. It rest on very healing ground and when I closed the door and left i always knew it would be there for anybody who wanted to get aways for a while, to connect with nature if nature had been lacking in their life. Nothing will be charged and lmits on time will not be added. I dont see this place as mine, its door is never locked. So I will add my email adress and maybe another person has the need to press that first little wooden block and who know what will come of it. Kind regards Sofia santispiritus333@gmail.com
  2. Ive been struggeling to not sprinkle in curse words. Its becouse I dont curse that Im feeling so blody stifled in my writing. But Im a nice person trying to not offend anybody so I will leave them out.
  3. Hi Karl, You should hear me. My English accent is a mix of Swedish and Irish. Apparently I sound rather amusing according to some friends. To be sure, to be sure. sofia
  4. Hi, I want to do the Spirals Course, but need some more info. First what area of Amerika will I check the time frome. Also what do I need for my computer for this to work. Also If I could be told more about the course. My english failed me here. Its the word intent, even in translation i cant get a grip on it. I get what it means but still it has no meaning. Not even in Swedish. I need another word. Thankyou Sofia
  5. Hi Heather, Five years ago I finally got my diagnis. Ptsd, but much is happening in this feald and now I Im on to Complex Ptsd. I have peeled of most layers of my traumas and come to all the understandings regarding them as i can and even though i feel I have som kind of direction of where Im going its a very frightening direction. The reason I ended up on this forum is basically how it all started 5 years ago. I was in a very complicated and dangerous situation. There was no way out, no help to be got. My mind and my body was exhousted and my abilities to always find solutions just wasnt there any more. So i used the only thing I had left to find strenght. My imagination. I imagined myself like floating on a wave, sometimes just going with it, letting it take me wherever it wanted, but sometimes making little turns and twists like I was on a surfboard. Then things started to happen. Inside me and around me. I had to accept that the world was not really what I had thought it was, but accepting it I understood that it had always been this way but my eyes had been closed to it. As my brain started to heal I connected with what I will never understand and dont want to more and more. It has all calmed down now but something inside me tells me its only rest, for a while, more healing and then I dont know, I can only guess, but Im hoping its not so.
  6. Hi, What you wrote I could have written and yes its the last 5 years for me to. I am at the moment less confused and my mind is not on speed anymore. Five years with a mind that never stops? But what an adventure? Around, and inside. I want it to be over and at the same time I dont.
  7. I only ever had one nightmare that I couldn not wake up from, but that was enough to understand the hell you are experiencing. In that dream I had to accept that this was it and I just had to live it until moment of death and the death was going to be slow and horrific. As i gave up all hope and accepted this, there was a young boy sitting beside me, in the same situation as me and the terror was beyond belief so I layed down my head on his lap for comfort and woke up. So Im thinking. If you somehow could manage to plant a turn of button of your own choice. Maybe write it down again and again. Think it again and again. Draw it. Say it out loud etc, etc, For me a lap represents comfort and security and it comes from reality. Is there something real in your life that represents this for you and that you can use for that turn of button? Is there someone in your life that you feel comfort and security with? If there is, borrow some clothes from this person, unwashed Im afraid and sleep with it so you can smell this persons smell. This i have done and it worked for me. Nightmares are not always about stuff inside you? Is there someone you are afraid off? It doesnt matter if the person can hurt you or not? Do what you have to do to feel that you can fight back? To feel safe without being a victim.
  8. Ive started the recapitulation and something tells me it is just what I need here and now. Something interesting happend when i first tried. Thoughts came to me to not go into the memories as such but to look into the eyes of the people conserned and do the movements. I will stick to this and see what happens. Its interesting how everything seems to be about eyes suddenly as i realised that it was time for my soul to heal. And conserning people who drains, the worst ones, the ones that brings up such anger inside me, anger drains, the warning signs there, are the fact that I have to force myself to look into their eyes. As I read what you all write its like certain things starts to fall into place. I dont join Forums, but glad I did this time. So now im onto eyes. Think I will make it a new topic.
  9. A complex dance indeed. And yes I agree that the self healing will probably change things. But, it migh sound strange, i dont wont it to change, i dont like being seen or heard. its ok here, becouse writing on a forum is to me not really real. There is no smell, touch or sight. When and if i ever figure out a way to cut of this ability to feel people i might think diffirently. Happy people is a joy, but they are so few. I dont know what its like in America but here in Sweden, I dont know what to say, my people has lost its soul and the unhappiness is deeply rooted. I lived in many other countries and never, ever, howerer bad thing has been there have I experiensed people as lost as they are here. And as I feel all the pain i stick to being not seen or noticed until Im strong enough to either be able to take it or cut of whatever it is that is happening. Any advice on this would be much appreciated.
  10. But isnt being a shaman the ability to consider everything. With an open mind. I must have got it all wrong.
  11. When someone meets me Im very real and I know Im loved and liked, But then its the strangest thing and it took years to accept it and even learn to like it, this way. I realised that when i wasnt present in person anymore it was like I did not exist in their mind anymore. Hard to explain. Also people will not from time to time, who know me well, recognise me. Its like I who look exactly the same,in their eyes look like someone else. I get very close to animals in the forest. I often thought I would make a brilliant spy if it wasnt for my complete inability to lie. Im tired of trying to understand, but Im really loving to read others lifeexperiences and for the first time charing some of mine. I live in a country where it is totaly tabu to be in any way different and keep a very low profile so finally ending up on this site and reading and recognising and seing things differently gives me a sence of calm and happiness.
  12. Hi Lorrraine, Dont mind my English to much(type of thinking). Swedish is my language and I always end up sounding like a rightious bore when I write in English. Struggling to find ways to express myself in a language I only picked up in latter years is a pain. There is so much on my mind as my journey has been a solitary one and Im only starting to find ways to make it less so and also less egocentral so I will probably write a lot and thought I better add this. kind regard Sofia
  13. In Japan and china parents avoided given birth to children born the year of 1966. The fear was especially for having a girl. This was taken so seriously that basically non or only a few children where born that year in Japan. i dont know about China. Girls women born that year where regarded as very unlucky and where feared. I did not take it seriously when I first was told, im not so sure any more. Other women who I met born the same year have far to many similar stories and happenings for it to be coinsidence any more. it is what it is. But I have a lot of respect for shaman thinking and would like to hear more from that direction and not just the asian mindset.
  14. How interesting. Scrying, never heard of it. Dont know anything about it. Bu the last couple of years I have been drawn towards mirrors. If I wasnt moving so much, i would have taken down everythingelse from the walls and covered them with mirrors. Im constantly searching in secondhand shops for old mirrors. They have to be the really old ones and regret having given away a mirror from the sevententh century that i once had. One day I felt the urge to break a mirror, so I found a small one and smashed it to peaces and put the peaces in a jar. That jar of broken mirror bits reperesented to me my past and was a reminder to all the work I was doing and all the positive changes that was happening in understanding, healing and gluing my broken mirror, me, together. Then I did not need it any more and threw it away. At the moment I want my walls to be empty, no mirrors, nothing. But tell me more! By what you tell me I will feel and if I feel this is something for me, I will do. Im so glad I found this site. I cant stand flakiness and there is nothing flaky about this site. Am I the only one that feels that Shamanism has to be as little about money as possible, that numbers, money, has to be treated carefully in this kind of thinking? There are charges for courses but I did not get the sence, I normally do, that its to much about the money and a need to be seen and noticed on top of that. A very god site, This is a difficult question but to me, to be a Shaman can not be about money. The help to survive has to be given in another way. Having predicted the future with the help of numbers I have settled down with a seriously healthy respect for numbers. Yet again I ranted and raved off in another direction. Back to scrying. Im curious.
  15. Last winter a forest mouse moved into the house. When i was sitting in a little room having my cigarette he kept coming very close to me, sitting very still just looking at me, then he would sneak out the door. It took time and then I got it. i journeyd a lot with that mouse and then on one journey, we where sitting on a stone looking at a landscape, he told me to swallow him. I said i couldnt do this, he was my friend, but he reminded me that this was only in my head, so i did. Then i met someone very special and more understandings was passed on. There is no need to understand, Trust your mind, follow the instructions and god things will come.
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